just f*cking let go
(let this be the nudge you need....)
Everyone knows you have to let go. You know it. Your family knows it. Your friends know it. The dude who delivered your DoorDash last night knows it.
And yet you still struggle.
Grasping at something that no longer serves you, whether it’s a person, a place, a job, or a relationship, is never going to end well. Especially after you extend the natural lifecycle of said **something**.
Some people are really good at knowing when something has run it’s course. Others, no so much. But here’s the secret no one will tell you, it’s not a gift and it’s not luck. It’s a skill that you can learn over time, and I’m going to teach you how to take the first steps.
AN ATTACHMENT STORY
For better or worse, social media made attachment theory cool. I’m shocked when I meet someone who doesn’t have a passing understanding of their attachment style or how it works in any, and all, interpersonal relationships.
For those of you NOT in the know… attachment theory says there’s a bond you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver. This created a baseline that shaped your emotional development, personality and relationship patterns.
Most of the time you’ll hear people referring to Anxious, Avoidant or Secure attachment styles, although depending on who you’re talking to, or what you’re reading, there are others. Like everything, there are gray areas and nuance.
In my time studying attachment styles, and working as a coach, I’ve found three types of people… those who say they’re secure and then breakdown after a few sessions, those who know exactly what their attachment style is, or the people who have it all wrong and miss-self-diagnose.
and on the topic of first steps — the March cohort sold out within minutes. April is next; three weeks to get out of your own way and actually move. You deserve a better life. Get on the waitlist HERE and you’ll hear about it before anyone else.
But now, back to our regularly scheduled programming….
Instead of focusing on what your attachment style is, let’s just broadly accept the fact that you DO have an attachment style. It works behind the scenes impacting your decisions, behaviors, and how you subconsciously respond to situations and people as you clamor for love and understanding, while being haunted by past rejection and neglect.
The thing that drives me nuts about the attachment theory is the way it’s weaponized. People think there’s a bad attachment style (avoidants), people with anxious attachment styles are always the victim, and everyone should be secure.
That’s batshit crazy.
All of it. It’s also externalizing what should really be an inside job, understanding yourself.
And that brings us back to the root of why it’s actually hard to let go. Whatever it is that you’re struggling with, explore that through the lens of your attachment style.
Why is it so important that you have this thing (person, object, situation)? What would it mean for it to suddenly go away? How does it reflect on your identity and your ego?
Which brings me to the holy trinity of suffering.
ANGER, DESIRE, IGNORANCE
There are “man-made”forces that tug at your soul. At this point, they’re systemic, especially in modern society. In no order of importance, they are anger, desire & ignorance.
To let go, you must face these forces head on.
Your anger towards something because it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to.
Your desire for the thing that you don’t have.
Your ignorance for how you are allowing suffering to control your life.
Think about how unsettling it is when you give into these forces; when you let them influence your choices and mood?
When you’re stuck in grief, resentful of the past, angry that your future is playing out in a way you didn’t want, it always comes back to anger, desire, and ignorance. This is the crux of why you can’t let go.
So let’s just put that to the side… let’s not try to let go. At least not yet.
Let’s explore what it is that’s making you so angry. What truth are you ignoring? What is the quiet part you won’t dare speak out loud?
When you answer those questions, clarity is right around the corner.
Here's What You Can Do Right Now
I’m not going to leave you high and dry on empty philosophy. You know me better than that. I’m all about taking real action, no matter how hard it may be.
So let’s get at it.
Stop trying to let go. Start asking better questions.
What am I angry about?
Be specific. Not “I’m angry things didn’t work out.” More like: “I’m angry I wasted three years on something that was never going to give me what I needed” or “I’m angry they moved on so easily while I’m still here stuck.”
Make it so personal it borderlines on offensive.
Don’t filter it. Don’t make it prettier. Just write the ugly truth.
What do I desire that I don’t have?
Not “I want to be happy.” More like: “I want the relationship I thought we were building” or “I want the career momentum I had five years ago” or “I want to feel like myself again.”
Name the thing. Make it real. The more you uncover, the more you’ll see how your desires are tied to your grief.
What truth am I ignoring?
This is the hardest one. This is the quiet part you won’t say out loud.
“I’m ignoring that this ended a year ago and I just won’t admit it.” “I’m ignoring that I’m the one holding on, not them.” “I’m ignoring that I already know what I need to do.”
A lot of times people think they’ve moved on when they’re really repressing their pain. Then, when they least expect it, that pain bubbles up to the surface and they crash out.
Don’t be that person.
What happens next:
First, do the exercise.
Light a candle, put on some soothing music (imho, I recommend Recomposed by Max Richter: Vivaldi – The Four Seasons - it’s on Spotify), and start writing.
Write a lot. Write till your fingers hurt. Write even when you don’t know what to say. Write that you don’t know what to write.
It’s gonna feel stupid, and it may feel like it’s not helping. But maybe there’s a part of your soul that feels relieved, and then there’s a part of your inner child (that’s tied to your attachment) that starts to loosen it’s grip, and then maybe tomorrow you don’t feel so shitty about life.
That’s the work.
This is how you build a life. Not one that you stumble upon, not one that can be taken from you. A durable, sustainable life where you are not grasping at things that do not serve you. A life of equal exchange, of give and take, of joyous gains and cruel losses because that’s life.
LFG.
w/love & kindness,
-Eric-