It's Ok To Not Be Ok
When Your World is Burning and Healing Feels Like Hell
Sometimes you feel like the walls are closing in. Like you’re running out of options and it’s hard to see your next move because your eyes are filled with so many tears.
It’s almost too easy to say this too will pass, that you will be ok, that you’ll be able to move on from this, but I’m not gonna do you dirty like that.
It’s ok to not be ok.
In fact, it can be maddening to try to mask how you’re really feeling. To push your emotions into a corner. To not give yourself time to really feel exactly what it is you want to feel; what you need to feel.
So let me help you out because I want to have an honest conversation about how to balance fear and despair with hope and discipline.
SITTING IN YOUR SUFFERING
You have to feel what you feel, but you don’t want to feel it for too long.
There’s actually a difference between experiencing a feeling and an emotion. The emotion is tied to a conditioned chemical response, almost always rooted in the past.
It’s your survival instinct creating a trigger warning when you feel threatened. It imprints into your mind, the circuitry of the brain, and the hormonal infrastructure of your body.
But that feeling? That’s a choice.
You want to be with your emotions, understanding where they’re coming from, but not dwell on them for too long. Otherwise your past becomes your present, and your present becomes your future.
I don’t believe there’s a lot of healing that can be done in the past, and it’s not just me. If you’ve never heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk, you should. He largely supports this belief and he really knows what he’s talking about.
Then there’s also the plethora of research and studies. Looking back at one of the most tragic events of the 21st Century, post 9/11 studies have found that individuals “who received early, brief interventions at their worksites reported better mental health than those who received more extensive interventions, such a psychotherapy of 30 minutes or longer.” This is just one, of many, examples.
Don’t get it mixed. I’m not saying therapy isn’t helpful, but when we’re talking about psychotherapy were referring to what is commonly referred to as “talk therapy”, i.e. the therapy many of us have experienced, and depending on the practitioner you’re working with, you’re either getting helpful tools to move forward, or you’re spending a lot of time digging through the past, trying to “find meaning” in places that aren’t entirely necessary to go to.
My advice? Focus on the root emotion.
What do you want to feel? Why can’t you feel it? Why do you perpetuate the same cycles of disarray, unable to escape the feeling of being stuck?
Use the past to guide your present, take deliberate steps towards your future.
BREAKING THE CYCLE
This is the secret sauce to move past anything that’s holding you back.
If you feel that lingering attachment to someone or something despite knowing that it is either no longer good for you, or that you have zero ability to change the outcome that has impacted your current state of reality, you only have one option left. You have to shift your emotional state away from the memory tied to pain & desire.
The pain is rather obvious to understand. You’re hurt. You’re stuck. You’re getting desperate. There’s a seismic gap between where you’re at now, and where you want to be. Desire for you is actually lack.
If the predominant emotion you’re experiencing every day is tied to the past, tied to your pain, tied to your heartbreak, it f*cks with your head, and it impacts your actions. It becomes the author of your life.
You become stuck in routines and habits that root you in suffering. It buries the real you so far down that YOU become a memory; something you look back on, the good old days. You no longer see a future for yourself, you just want to go back to the version of you that existed before, when things weren’t that bad.
I don’t want you to accept “not that bad”.
I want you to experience the life you know you deserve.
CREATING NEW MEMORIES
Creating new memories isn’t actually about the new memories, it’s about creating new experiences that stimulate new emotional reactions.
Every new emotional imprint created cements itself into your subconscious. It pushes out the painful memories and the limiting beliefs, and it opens you up to new possibilities in the quantum field; how quickly you can change your life by allowing yourself to drift into a new lane of life experiences.
It really is that simple.
That’s why it’s so important to “get out there” and to do new things.
Why it’s important to embrace the small moments, laugh at ridiculous things, find the dive bar with live music, kiss a stranger and never exchange numbers.
You need to remind yourself how wonderful this imperfect life is.
You need to remember that it’s ok to not be ok, and that just because you’re down doesn’t mean you’re out.
You need to remember that you are f*cking special, and that while I may not personally know you, I see you, I feel you and I love you.
You can do this.
Remember who the f*ck you are. Feel it. Face it. F*cking rise.
-E-
Existential dread has gotten the best of me the past couple of weeks but I’ve been here before. Several times. Life is so f*cking great when you finally understand the ebbs and flows of the highs and lows; when you realize how strong you truly are, while accepting your imperfections.
It’s in those moments where I gain clarity; when I embrace the subconscious whispers to shift and sway in a new direction, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.
I trust; the process, myself, & you.
There’s a lot that I want to share with you, and it will be happening fast, but for right now I want to soft-launch my new community, Unbroken: The Healing Ground. This is going to be a place where you reclaim your identity, break the cycle of rumination, and start again, stronger than ever before.
This community will include monthly private masterclasses, live Q&As, the ability to chat directly with me as you embark on this transformation, and my new, signature digital course, Obsessed to Unbothered: The 21 Day Breakup Bootcamp.
All of this for just $22/month, but here’s the best thing… if you sign up before the official pre-launch begins (in a few weeks) you’ll have the opportunity to book a free 30 minute video strategy session w/me to workshop your healing journey.
This is a limited offer, and I’m burying it at the end of this newsletter for the real ones, you know who you are. So if you’re ready, let’s do this. Reply to this email or slide into my DMs on Instagram and let me know you’re ready for The Healing Ground.
I’ll see you there.