Either things are falling apart or I’m just seeing things clearly for the first time.
The uneducated may call it chaos, but I prefer “awakening of the soul.” A phase of life where “doing the f*cking work” can’t be summarized in a cute Instagram post or a viral TikTok, but instead shakes you to your core, shoving the depths of sorrow and grief in your face while doubt transforms into insanity.
It’s not tough, it’s damn near impossible. When you’re trying to step out of total darkness, by its very definition, there is no light. You’re running into walls trying to find a way out.
Healing doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, but it does mean you’ve decided not to be a passenger in life. When you start the work, you become a work in progress. You struggle every day to form a new relationship with your wounds, making a choice to confront the silent parts of your soul in exchange for relief from the shadow you try to avoid.
You ride the waves, and after a while, things start to feel really good. You don’t seek answers where you have no business looking, and life is lighter. Over time, you’ll adopt new patterns, assume a slightly different personality and slowly become a new person.
But there’s always more.
One day, your past will sneak back into your life, but this time it will knock you down in a way that you didn’t see coming.
You have clarity, perspective, YOU’VE HEALED!
So why did this happen?
This is healing; the stagnant plateaus, the depressing dips, the gradual ascensions.
All things considered, I remain an eternal optimist, a romantic at heart, an old soul & a deeper feeler because I see it every day in the people I work with, the people in my community, the strangers that reach out to me, desperate while their lives are falling apart.
It’s also because of these very things that I cannot avoid a harrowing truth, that I am becoming an outsider to this society.
WHEN I WOKE UP
The pandemic changed everything, but not for the reasons you think.
Outside of some minor inconveniences, my family and friends all escaped without any significant impact to our lives. I was coming off a year that I could only describe as “organic heroin.” Everything in my life was aligned. My professional and personal lives were buzzing. I had purpose, direction and was playing with house money. After years of struggle, hard work, and self-doubt everything was working out.
Or so I thought.
Buried beneath that euphoric peak was a pain that would take years to mourn.
Under the layers of an unprocessed childhood, the type of conditioning that you become ignorant to later in life, was a deeply anxious man striving to prove his worth at every opportunity.
When the world came to an abrupt stop, it forced me to slow down. I could breathe again. But the thing is, this type of internal revolution is not unique to me.
Think about your life.
Think about the parts of you that lay beneath the surface.
The pain you push away.
The truths you ignore.
What would it feel like if you just… slowed down?
In the silence and stillness, you discover a kind softness that will change your world forever.
A WORLD LEFT BEHIND
The impact of the pandemic was profound in many ways, but I choose to focus on the ways in which we were brought together.
When a stranger asked “how are you doing?” it wasn’t some b.s., they actually meant it because at that point, everyone was going through something.
The world grew kinder, conversations got deeper and our actions… more intentional. Our souls could rest and in terms of environmental conservation and sustainability, the world began to heal after just a few weeks.
It’s easy to forget that, at the end of the day, we’re all just people, trying to survive, trying to get by. Trying to love our families a little bit better, trying to find purpose and direction through the trials of life.
For the first time, I learned about a peace of mind I didn’t know could exist. The noise in my head… the raging capitalistic competition that may be more unique to American culture than anywhere else, no longer mattered.
But as life returned to “normal”, the world sped up again, and I was left behind.
I became a man lost in time, seeing things for what they were, with the sins of the soul weighing heavier on me than ever before.
How could I abandon this newly discovered calm, the simple joys in the daily minutia, the wisdom that less will forever be more?
In exchange for what?
More transactional interactions and surface level conversations? Engage in a world of grifters and takers? Bury my head deeper in my phone just to avoid the beautiful boredom of the moments in between?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE F*CK ARE WE DOING
I walk these streets now as a ghost, disillusioned by everyone choosing to live within their own digital reality rather than to exist with one another.
We’re losing the plot of life.
And if it’s not clear, the plot is connection.
The goal is to live THIS life.
The one that you already have.
To put the devices down, to say “fuck it” to whatever plans you have, and to choose each other above all else (besides choosing yourself, obviously).
Invest in the art of small talk.
Invest in the art of being interested.
Invest in the art of patience and slowing down.
So yeah, I am becoming an outsider. I thought it was by force, but perhaps I’m opting out. While everyone is choosing to play by one set of rules, the archaic model of self-interest at any cost, I’m choosing a different way.
The only way to create the space required to become someone new is to say goodbye to the version of you that is no longer serving you. Not in a small way, but in a profound way.
The people who once knew you, will judge you.
The people you once loved you, will not understand.
The people who once used you, will fight to control you.
To know, willingly, and to embrace the grief, shame and the prospect of regret that comes with this decision.
You owe it to yourself to be true to the most authentic version of yourself. Not the version you show others, the one that whispers in your ear when you begin to question everything. The rest? You let it gently slip through your fingers, grasping only at the parts essential to this next chapter of your life.
Go big, but be gentle.
There is someone out there right now, in this moment, reading these words and feeling it so deeply that their soul is begging to be set free. They know they’re living a life that is not fully aligned but afraid of what comes next. Maybe it’s you.
I can’t be a hypocrite and say we need more connection, and not do everything I can to create that. This is why I created my new community, The Healing Ground. It’s been up and running for about two weeks and I’m so grateful for everyone who has already joined.
A place to be vulnerable.
A place to be open.
A place to be brave.
Join us when you’re ready.
Join us when you’re not.
You’re welcome any time.
w/love & kindness,
-Eric-